Autumn

It is September, and in spite of the uncertainty of our current situation, and my struggles with patience and understanding, there is something in the air that signals to my soul that change is approaching (be it as simple as the changing of a season), and that is a hopeful thing!

When the light changes, and the air becomes crisper, I feel more alive, and even a bit romantic. Not in a "let's get together kind of way," but rather a goofy, "Anne of Green Gables" kind of way. An imaginative, adventurous bug begins to bite, and I'm consumed with thoughts of harvests and apple-picking, Renaissance festivals and the Appalachian mountains in their Autumn glory.

In short, I would rather be walking in a field surrounded by fluttering leaves in red and gold and yellow, a rickety barn with faded red paint in the distance, than sitting here in my room, confined by the children's illnesses, or school, or laundry, or all the dull happenings of real life.

Thank God that Autumn brings this respite to the exhausted heat of summer, and thank God that it brings hope, like the wind to the tips of the trees, because that's something that I'm usually short on. It has been 17 months since we put our house in NC up for sale. 17 months of living with my generous and patient in-laws, and 17 months of battling frustration and hopelessness. I'm not sure what that says about me. That I'm human? That I'm nowhere near where I should be on this faith journey? That I'm not moving because I'm still holding on? “You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.” And Hemingway would know, I suppose. It's funny to write this post, because not far below it is my first post from 3 years ago, where I lamented the fact that I had no car and was stuck at home most of the time. Now the tables are turned: I have a car, but I have no home of my own!! Even I can see the humor in this... today. Maybe not tomorrow. ;)

Faulkner said, “Surely heaven must have something of the color and shape of whatever village or hill or cottage of which the believer says, This is my own." I couldn't hope to say it better, and Lord, is it true! Never has heaven on earth looked more like a little house on a little land, with some little chickens pecking at a little garden.

My mother reminds me over and over that this isn't permanent, like the pregnancy that goes on and on. You know that this baby is going to come out. I mean, she has to! But it feels like it will never happen, and how much more can you take? How long can you stumble in the dark, without guidance? I can't pretend to claim a dark night of the soul. I likewise can't pretend to claim a perfect relationship with He whom I cannot see but strive to love. And though I can't feel Him now, I must remember that I have felt Him in the past, and there is no question that His love consumes me, if I will only let it. Maybe I need to focus less on how I feel, and more on today. It's strange, but since my father died in May, it has been a little easier to trust, because I know he will do everything he can to take care of us, on a heavenly scale! I know that he is interceding for us, and I also know that since he can see the big picture, the one that still eludes me, I just have to hold on a little longer. I know that's an imperfect and human way to look at it, and so I am. But it's always easier to deal with the tangible.

So for now, I have Autumn, which is utterly thrilling in its tangibility, and I'll try to take it one day at a time. Thy will be done... Just make it fast.

Miniseries ~ A Slice of Heaven

One of my FAVORITE things in life is finding out about "new" old miniseries and TV shows ~ especially after the fact, when they've been out for awhile and I can watch the whole thing in one sitting! This is so much better because you don't have to wait around for the next episode, and you don't have to deal with commercials, and if you're like me, you can stay up 'til 3 in the morning because you simply cannot help yourself! ;) I've discovered lots of amazing TV shows after the fact: Arrested Development, Bones, The Office, and thanks to my BFF Netflix, you can just sit there and watch the whole darn thing! http://www.netflix.com Miniseries are a whole 'nother slice of heaven for me. One day in college, my roomie T and I sat at home over Spring Break in our PJs and watched "Pride and Prejudice" in its entirety. We may have even rewound it a few times at certain KEY parts... (if you've seen it, you KNOW what I'm talking about, ladies!!!) LOVE my Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy!!!

A year or two ago, the new "Emma" came out on PBS, with Romola Garai and Jonny Lee Miller. And while I still enjoy the Gwyneth Paltrow version, and Jeremy Northam makes a yummy Mr. Knightley, the new one was far and away my favorite! Romola perfectly captured the character of Emma, and was even a little aggravating, which I think was Emma to a "t."

Last year, I discovered the new gold standard for miniseries in "North and South." Now, this is the BBC version based on the book by Elizabeth Gaskell, not the Civil War one. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how magnificent this miniseries is, or how much you will fall in love with Mr. Thornton, because OH MY. You will. Rather desperately

A few other favorites are "Daniel Deronda," also with Romola Garai, "Wives and Daughters," and let's not leave out "Sense and Sensibility" with Emma Thompson and the new "Northanger Abbey," as well as "Jane Eyre," of which there are several great options, and even a new, deliciously dark one set to come out this month! But a few weeks ago, my friend Beth told me to watch "Downton Abbey," a 7 part series by Masterpiece Theater about the wealthy class upstairs and the servant class below. It is too fabulous, and yes, I DID stay up until 3 in the morning watching the first 6 episodes! And the best part about this particular miniseries? It has a second part coming out next year!

You can watch this and most of the others on Netflix, so treat yourself ~ get your tea, your comfy quilt, and your favorite PJs, and get ready to fall in love. Oh yes, and to not be able to go to bed for awhile! What are some of your favorites??? I'm always looking for a new miniseries to love!

New Year (Click me! You'll love me!)

Well it's been an awfully long time since my last post. Something ridiculous like 8 months. But here we are, new year and all, so I guess it's time to start afresh, or to at least look like I'm starting afresh. :)



2010 was an interesting year. I suppose that if I were a more faithful, hopeful, optimistic person, I would say it was a good year; the kids were pretty darn healthy, James still has a job (albeit insane and frustrating), while lots of other people are unemployed, and I started up a new business that's been rather successful so far. (WARNING: Shameless plug for my Etsy shop: http://www.poshpatina.etsy.com/)



Dom is in the middle of first grade homeschool, and he's doing well. His reading is improving, he's quite adept with numbers, and of course, he can tell you about any dinosaur, monster fish, or snake that ever existed. I have learned, however, that with James's cRaZy, abnormal, anti-family schedule, I am not doing a very good job of keeping a routine. So next year, I'm going to use a Catholic curriculum that lays everything out for me, day by day. I find the task of gathering resources and books for each subject to be way too intimidating, and will feel much more relaxed about homeschooling when I know that the planning and preparation has already been done.



It's a fascinating thing, watching your oldest get older. And scary, of course, since it's your first time around. I'm perpetually surprised that Dom is almost 7. It occurred to me this morning that he's almost at the age of reason! That's a big deal, and I can see the changes in him already. He's a tremendously good and patient big brother to Elena and Alex, and they couldn't be luckier to have someone like him looking out for them.





Elena is a little diva. I'm not sure how that happened, since she's only 3 1/2 - maybe it's just her personality - but it's a little exhausting, and usually very amusing! This morning she headed out to church with her black dress, black tights, pink coat, pink sparkly sunglasses, and her little Vera Bradley purse. She was quite a sight! She's stubborn and bossy (unfortunately I know where she gets those from... ), but sweet and affectionate, outgoing and funny. She is also very pretty, and that scares the hell out of me. (I'm sure James must be terrified!) I like to look at our kids and think about what they'll look like as adults. It's so cool to me to think about when they are grown, and being surrounded by all these amazing people that James and I brought into the world and raised. That said, I think the greatest gift you can give your children is more brothers and sisters!!! Elena is pining for a little sister. She says she has one. I'm not sure about her name, but I know she is invisible and the size of a pea, because Elena always carries her around between her fingers. We tell her that hopefully that will happen, but not for a few more years...



Alex is my little sweetheart, and my little home-wrecker. As in, he wrecks our home, with delight and glee, every moment of the day. And he is usually unrepentant. It's a little scary, really, but as long we take all that wild energy and use it for the good, he should be a pretty amazing fellow! I was watching him play with his toys yesterday, and the sight of his little self, playing Hulk bashing dinosaurs, just made my heart ache. As in, my heart physically hurt. I thanked God for him, and for all our babies, because they are such miraculous blessings. Because they are so pure, and good, and reminders of what we're supposed to be, and what I am not, and haven't been trying to be.



That's mostly why I say 2010 was interesting. For me, it has been a year of struggling in my faith. Not in the sense of insecurities with the Church, or problems with Church teachings. No, I mean actually struggling with my belief. Our little family has many blessings, but we also have many struggles. I know that's true for nearly everyone, but since we are so isolated here, I rarely talk to other people aside from James and my family. So I tend to wallow in our sufferings. I tend to let them get to me to the point that I question God's love for us, His plan for us, if there even IS a plan for us! I look at our situation, and I look at the way James and I are raising our kids, and I wonder why things are the way they are. Why are we so isolated and alone? Why are we stuck at a church where there is no one else like us? Heck, where we're almost the only family with young children? Why are we always struggling so much financially? Why is James, who is such an amazing, honest, talented, and hard-working man, stuck at this particular company? And so on. U.G.H. Complaints are exhausting for those who have to hear them, I know.



Simply put, I've been angry, and probably pretty difficult to live with. But over the past few weeks (thanks to some long conversations with family, and a few honest attempts at prayer), I don't feel as angry. I'm starting to see that I've been selfish, and self-centered. And absurd. Absurd to think that God doesn't care about us. I see Christ, on the cross, and I know what He did for me. But since I don't "feel" it, I disregard it. And that's my problem. For some reason, I've been expecting things to be easy, I guess. Or easier. But things will be easier if I just let go, and let God, as they say. I ask for grace, but I've been so angry, it's had no way of getting in.



Well, since it is a new year, I am trying to make a new start. To change myself and how I perceive our blessings and our sufferings. To love God more, and myself less. To love my family more, and myself less. And above all, to employ both faith AND action. This is the year, we have decided, when we make changes. No more waiting around to see if James gets promoted; no more sitting about wondering when things will change. We are going to make them change, by golly!



So to wrap it up, 2010 was interesting. It was a struggle, and a lesson, and a blessing. I am determined that 2011 will be first a blessing, and only sprinkled with struggles that we can handle because we have faith. Renewed faith, and lots of hope.



Happy New Year!

Mulder and Scully and Me

Tsk, tsk. It's been awhile since I was last here, but I have a good reason, I promise! My bestest friend, Netflix, went ahead and put ALL 9 SEASONS of The X-Files online, just for me!!!

In case you didn't pick up on the BOLD PRINT, I'm a big fan. I watched it throughout the 90s, and tried to keep up during college, though I think I missed a lot. My sister Mandy would make tapes for me, and I'd watch them alone in my apartment and freak myself out. Truth be told, not much has changed - I still watch them alone, waiting for James to get home, and freak myself out. I'm okay until I have to turn the lights out and walk through the house... that's when I become convinced that Tooms, the human liver-eater, is squeezing through our air grates, or that the half-man, half-tapeworm creature that lives in the sewer is actually IN our basement. Last night, for example, I had just killed a giant, man-eating roach that was scurrying along the floor in the office, and what episode do you think came on only 20 minutes after that? That's right - people-eating cockroaches. I made it through about 5 minutes of that one.

I suppose that for anyone who hasn't watched The X-Files, this all sounds incredibly bizarre and messed-up, and it is! But it's just so classic at the same time. It has the perfect blend of horror, comedy, cheesiness, conspiracy, and did I mention David Duchovny???

Yes, well, I don't want to get all girlie here, but yeah, he's pretty grand. And very funny, too. I find myself laughing a lot at all his bawdy humor (most of which I seem to have missed 15 years ago), and naturally enjoying the friction/attraction between Mulder and Scully. There's just something about Mulder...

I seem to be experiencing something of a character crush here. You know, when you read a story, or watch a movie, and you get all goopy over the dreamy hero? I even Googled him! But not in a creepy way, mind you. Just looking at some pictures...

So anyway, if you want to give yourself a treat, watch it. There are something like 200 episodes, so you'll have plenty of time to get immersed in the story, and to spook yourself silly!

PS - And if you still can't get enough of David, then I highly recommend Return to Me, Evolution, and the movie X-Files: Fight the Future, 3 family favorites.

Happy watching! :)

Top Ten Novels

Top Ten Novels I LOVE. These are the books that are comfort food for my soul.

10 - The Face by Dean Koontz

9 - The End of the Affair by Graham Greene

8 - I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

7 - Auntie Mame by Patrick Dennis

6 - Our Hearts Were Young and Gay by Cornelia Otis Skinner

5 - The Fountain Overflows by Rebecca West

4 - The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

3 - The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

2 - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien

1 - The Far Pavilions by M.M. Kaye - will always and forever be #1. If you haven't read it, please treat yourself. It is EPIC. And anything else by M.M. Kaye is top notch as well.

VERY honorable mentions for Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell, The Man in the Brown Suit by Agatha Christie, The Yellow Room by Mary Roberts Rinehart, ALL P.G. Wodehouse, Willa Cather, Dorothy Sayers, P.D. James, Laura Ingalls Wilder, and L.M. Montgomery.

If something is glaringly absent, please let me know! I'm always open to new favorites!

Top Tens

I am excessively fond of lists. Shopping lists, to-do lists, chore lists, and honey-do lists. There is something extremely satisfying about scratching things off a list. It makes the fact that you did them seem more final, more complete. And even if you never get around to scratching anything off your list, at least you took the time to make the list, and had every intention of doing the things on that list. (Yes, yes, I know. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. But to-do lists are like exit ramps - they give you the chance to turn around! :) )

My friend Chuffy and I also enjoy making lists of things we like and things we don't like. We often do this when one of us is feeling a little blue. For example, we find it important to catalog actors that we like and don't like, movies we love and hate, our favorite books and music, and so on. I'm not sure why this is so important, but it is. It puts everything in its place, all nice and tidy, and makes the world more organized.

In the same way, James and I have a game we play, usually in the car, but sometimes at home on the sofa too, when we're bored, where we ask eachother either/or questions. Would you rather be alone on a deserted island with Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O'Donnell? (Neither! I would build a raft, stock it with coconuts, and take my chances in shark-infested waters.) Juevenile? Of course! Important for restoring order to a chaotic world? Absolutely!

So in the spirit of restoring peace and harmony to our humdrum lives, and in an attempt to provide a therapeutic respite to our daily woes, I have here compiled a few Top Ten Lists of Things. Hope you enjoy! :)

Top Ten Male Actors (Past and Present) This is for their looks AND their talent.

10 - Hugh Laurie

9 - Keanu Reeves

8 - Gregory Peck

7 - Andy Garcia

6 - Hugh Jackman

5 - Pierce Brosnan

4 - Steve McQueen

3 - Cary Grant

2 - Eduardo Verastegui

1 - Paul Newman - He will always and forever be #1.

And an honorable mention for Colin Firth for his role as Mr. Darcy in P&P. I can't say that I enjoy him in every role, but this was a historic and memorable role that will stand the test of time. Also, Hugh Grant in the 90s and early 00s, and Harrison Ford, iconic before he pierced his ear and left his wife.

Top Ten List of Female Actresses (Past and Present). For some reason, I find this much more difficult. Maybe because I don't think about it as much...

10 - Zooey Deschanel

9 - Romola Garai

8 - Doris Day

7 - Marilyn Monroe

6 - Penelope Cruz

5 - Julia Roberts

4 - Sandra Bullock

3 - Deborah Kerr

2 - Grace Kelly

1 - Audrey Hepburn - Again, always #1.

Top Ten Chick Flicks Movies I can watch again and again and never get bored. Well, almost.

10 - Notting Hill

9 - Meet Joe Black

8 - I Capture the Castle

7 - When Harry Met Sally

6 - Steel Magnolias

5 - Sabrina (Harrison Ford version)

4 - Anne of Green Gables, etc

3 - Northanger Abbey (New Masterpiece Theater version)

2 - Sense and Sensibility (Emma Thompson version)

1 - Pride and Prejudice (BBC with Colin Firth)

Next time, Top Ten Novels, Top Ten Favorite Movies in General, and Top Ten Dislikes!

Cheerio!

First Impressions and Lasting Impressions

"Southern identity is not really connected with mocking-birds and beaten biscuits and white columns any more than it is with hookworm and bare feet and muddy clay roads... An identity is not to be found on the surface; it is not accessible to the poll-taker; it is not something that can become a cliche. It is not made from the mean average or the typical, but from the hidden and often the most extreme. It is not made from what passes, but from those qualities that endure, regardless of what passes, because they are related to truth. It lies very deep. In its entirety, it is known only to God." ~ Flannery O'Connor, Mystery and Manners

Our house was built in 1934. For all you people out there who failed math (me toooooooo!), that makes it 76 years old. It's right inside the historic district of a little town whose former claim to fame was Nascar. So there you go. In three sentences, you have no doubt already made your own judgements about our house (smelly and old) and the town we live in (Redneckville). But let's not be too hasty, my dear Ents. We must approach these things with an open mind!

Our first house was brand new. But it was also a cookie-cutter replica of every other house in our neighborhood. We often lamented our house's sameness, its lack of charm and individuality. So when we went looking for another house, we had something in mind, though we didn't really know what, exactly. We spent a long time driving around on our own, looking for houses, usually getting lost, and never quite finding what we were looking for. When our realtor decided to show us this house, I was totally disinterested when I heard 1934. To me, that spelled $$$$$$$$. I mean, LOTS of $$$$$$$$$$$$. But the minute we walked in, we knew it; we felt it; we were home. (For now, anyway.) The wood floors. The old coal fireplace. The 9 foot ceilings with picture moldings. The built-in bookshelves. The giant oak trees in the backyard. The front-porch settin' front porch. And hey! The kitchen was redone... 20 years ago! Alright!

Three years later.

I am ready to move. I want a cookie-cutter replica house. Charm? Who needs it??? New? I want it!!!

Let's see now. When we moved in, we discovered that the upstairs shower had a distinctive feature: it also showered the dining room below. Those wood floors that everyone is such a big fan of? They have to be swept and mopped every 15 minutes, and when you get into bed, all the little pieces of dirt on the floor that you missed get in with you. Who doesn't like crusties in the sheets? The laundry room slants. I guess I shouldn't complain about this, because when a pipe burst this winter, all the water went out, instead of into the rest of the house. The laundry room is also not heated. Not only is it not heated, but you can see the outside through the gaping cracks in the walls. (I can only assume this has something to do with its slant.) So doing laundry in the winter requires a coat and gloves. Want to paint a room? Whoa, there. Do you have three consecutive days off in which to complete this project? Because that's what you'll need. 76 year old wallpaper has been painted over, in every room, several times. So you can't just spray and peel. You must scrape. And scrape. Then you must patch, because we're talking plaster walls here, with big cracks in them that have to be patched, and sanded, and primed. Then you can paint. Are we done yet? No way! Don't forget the trim! This lovely shade of faded, old, off-white takes 3 coats to cover it in white paint.

Want to open a window? Okay. First check to see if it's painted shut. If it is, you're out of luck (if your husband isn't home). If it's not, get ready to brace yourself. About 100 pounds of push/pull torque is needed to move it. And just realize that once you get it up, you might have to hang on it like a monkey to get it back down.

Anyone sleeping upstairs? Those vents up there look like they should work, but nothing actually comes through them. So in the winter you need space heaters, and in the summer, you need at least 3 fans blowing on you at high speed to feel like you're not melting into a puddle in your bed.

What about all that peeling paint on the outside that looked like a piece of cake to scrape? No. Not a piece of cake. A horrible, nasty, lead-paint mess that takes forever to clean up, and doesn't scrape off easily, AT ALL. You must pressure wash it. Then you must scrape it. Then you must sand it. And possibly scrape it again. Then you can paint it. Did I mention that our house is built on a hill, and is about 50 feet tall? Anyone for jiggly ladder painting? (Sorry, we won't cover your ER bill if you fall.)

The truth is, we bought this house at such a good price, we naively thought, "Hey, we'll fix it up and make a good profit." Then we had kid #2, and then SURPRISE! Kid #3. So I'll let you guess how much fixin's been going on here... And what we have managed to fix will have to be redone once the kids are through with it, no doubt.

So let this be a lesson to us all. What you think you want isn't really what you want at all, but is rather an impression in your brain placed there by other people who think that is what they want and try to get you to want it too.

PS - This post will be deleted when our house does finally go up for sale. ;)))

Introducing Crazy

I've often thought about starting a blog, but it seemed a little beyond me. That sounds kind of ridiculous, but not if you spent all day in my head. I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that, and yet here I am, putting what little is in my head on paper. God speed, dear reader! ;)

Actually, my sister planted the blog seed in my head awhile back, and then I watched "Julie and Julia." Which I really enjoyed, by the way. I'm not a huge fan of Meryl Streep (I just couldn't get through "Mamma Mia" without cringing), but I loved her as Julia Child! I laughed a lot, which is always a plus, and it made me hungry for really good food, which, alas, I will probably never get around to cooking, and it finally got me interested in blogging. 'Cause let's face it: doesn't everyone who writes a blog secretly hope to get noticed? A little bit? Big time? So to pander to my secret Narcissus, I'm diving right in.

I spend all day, every day, at home with three kids 6 and under. My husband and I share a car, so when he goes to work (in the restaurant biz, so cRaZy long hours), I'm at home - permanently. I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me... (heavy silence - did it work???) but just because that's how it is. So it is literally quite therapeutic to make coherent sentences that flow together, write them down, and then look at them. It almost feels like I'm having a conversation with another adult...

See, at this exact moment, the 2 1/2 year old is trying to force me to eat the pink Play-doh sandwich she pounded out on the mouse pad, the 6 year old has the turkey baster and is whacking it threateningly, and I'm holding the 1 year old in my lap while he snoozes. He weighs 25 pounds and my left arm is asleep.

The reason we share a car isn't because we're trying to save the environment (which we can get into later on... ), or because I LOVE to be at home 24/7 (it drives me NUTS!!!), but because we are mildly impoverished. Strapped. Reduced. Scanty. ;) (But honestly, who isn't these days?) If I want to stay at home with the kids, one of our concessions at this point in time is a second car. So voila! Good times. Suffice it to say, my white-bread adult fantasies now consist of a van that seats 7 (in black, preferably - I still have a fragment of class), dual sliding doors, cargo storage, and a sunroof, perhaps??? And did I mention used? Unfortunately I'm also a realist in my fantasies...

So on the bright side, I always have something to look forward to! On the downside, I'm mildly deranged, am losing social skills on a daily basis (do they make a pedometer for that?), and am acquiring my mother's dashboard - door habit when actually in the car. (You know the one, when you were learning to drive? Your mother would yell "Slow Down!!!" or "Look Out!!!" while clutching wildly at the dashboard with one hand and the door with the other, and possibly pumping the imaginary brake.)

Truthfully, it's not that bad. Like most things in life people hate (their jobs, their weight), you learn to live with it. And fantasize. And that's what keeps you going. Pathetic, but there it is. ;)