Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Friday, September 7, 2012
Autumn
It is September, and in spite of the uncertainty of our current situation, and my struggles with patience and understanding, there is something in the air that signals to my soul that change is approaching (be it as simple as the changing of a season), and that is a hopeful thing!
When the light changes, and the air becomes crisper, I feel more alive, and even a bit romantic. Not in a "let's get together kind of way," but rather a goofy, "Anne of Green Gables" kind of way. An imaginative, adventurous bug begins to bite, and I'm consumed with thoughts of harvests and apple-picking, Renaissance festivals and the Appalachian mountains in their Autumn glory.
In short, I would rather be walking in a field surrounded by fluttering leaves in red and gold and yellow, a rickety barn with faded red paint in the distance, than sitting here in my room, confined by the children's illnesses, or school, or laundry, or all the dull happenings of real life.
Thank God that Autumn brings this respite to the exhausted heat of summer, and thank God that it brings hope, like the wind to the tips of the trees, because that's something that I'm usually short on. It has been 17 months since we put our house in NC up for sale. 17 months of living with my generous and patient in-laws, and 17 months of battling frustration and hopelessness. I'm not sure what that says about me. That I'm human? That I'm nowhere near where I should be on this faith journey? That I'm not moving because I'm still holding on? “You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.” And Hemingway would know, I suppose. It's funny to write this post, because not far below it is my first post from 3 years ago, where I lamented the fact that I had no car and was stuck at home most of the time. Now the tables are turned: I have a car, but I have no home of my own!! Even I can see the humor in this... today. Maybe not tomorrow. ;)
Faulkner said, “Surely heaven must have something of the color and shape of whatever village or hill or cottage of which the believer says, This is my own." I couldn't hope to say it better, and Lord, is it true! Never has heaven on earth looked more like a little house on a little land, with some little chickens pecking at a little garden.
My mother reminds me over and over that this isn't permanent, like the pregnancy that goes on and on. You know that this baby is going to come out. I mean, she has to! But it feels like it will never happen, and how much more can you take? How long can you stumble in the dark, without guidance? I can't pretend to claim a dark night of the soul. I likewise can't pretend to claim a perfect relationship with He whom I cannot see but strive to love. And though I can't feel Him now, I must remember that I have felt Him in the past, and there is no question that His love consumes me, if I will only let it. Maybe I need to focus less on how I feel, and more on today. It's strange, but since my father died in May, it has been a little easier to trust, because I know he will do everything he can to take care of us, on a heavenly scale! I know that he is interceding for us, and I also know that since he can see the big picture, the one that still eludes me, I just have to hold on a little longer. I know that's an imperfect and human way to look at it, and so I am. But it's always easier to deal with the tangible.
So for now, I have Autumn, which is utterly thrilling in its tangibility, and I'll try to take it one day at a time. Thy will be done... Just make it fast.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
New Year (Click me! You'll love me!)
Well it's been an awfully long time since my last post. Something ridiculous like 8 months. But here we are, new year and all, so I guess it's time to start afresh, or to at least look like I'm starting afresh. :)
2010 was an interesting year. I suppose that if I were a more faithful, hopeful, optimistic person, I would say it was a good year; the kids were pretty darn healthy, James still has a job (albeit insane and frustrating), while lots of other people are unemployed, and I started up a new business that's been rather successful so far. (WARNING: Shameless plug for my Etsy shop: http://www.poshpatina.etsy.com/)
Dom is in the middle of first grade homeschool, and he's doing well. His reading is improving, he's quite adept with numbers, and of course, he can tell you about any dinosaur, monster fish, or snake that ever existed. I have learned, however, that with James's cRaZy, abnormal, anti-family schedule, I am not doing a very good job of keeping a routine. So next year, I'm going to use a Catholic curriculum that lays everything out for me, day by day. I find the task of gathering resources and books for each subject to be way too intimidating, and will feel much more relaxed about homeschooling when I know that the planning and preparation has already been done.
It's a fascinating thing, watching your oldest get older. And scary, of course, since it's your first time around. I'm perpetually surprised that Dom is almost 7. It occurred to me this morning that he's almost at the age of reason! That's a big deal, and I can see the changes in him already. He's a tremendously good and patient big brother to Elena and Alex, and they couldn't be luckier to have someone like him looking out for them.
Elena is a little diva. I'm not sure how that happened, since she's only 3 1/2 - maybe it's just her personality - but it's a little exhausting, and usually very amusing! This morning she headed out to church with her black dress, black tights, pink coat, pink sparkly sunglasses, and her little Vera Bradley purse. She was quite a sight! She's stubborn and bossy (unfortunately I know where she gets those from... ), but sweet and affectionate, outgoing and funny. She is also very pretty, and that scares the hell out of me. (I'm sure James must be terrified!) I like to look at our kids and think about what they'll look like as adults. It's so cool to me to think about when they are grown, and being surrounded by all these amazing people that James and I brought into the world and raised. That said, I think the greatest gift you can give your children is more brothers and sisters!!! Elena is pining for a little sister. She says she has one. I'm not sure about her name, but I know she is invisible and the size of a pea, because Elena always carries her around between her fingers. We tell her that hopefully that will happen, but not for a few more years...
Alex is my little sweetheart, and my little home-wrecker. As in, he wrecks our home, with delight and glee, every moment of the day. And he is usually unrepentant. It's a little scary, really, but as long we take all that wild energy and use it for the good, he should be a pretty amazing fellow! I was watching him play with his toys yesterday, and the sight of his little self, playing Hulk bashing dinosaurs, just made my heart ache. As in, my heart physically hurt. I thanked God for him, and for all our babies, because they are such miraculous blessings. Because they are so pure, and good, and reminders of what we're supposed to be, and what I am not, and haven't been trying to be.
That's mostly why I say 2010 was interesting. For me, it has been a year of struggling in my faith. Not in the sense of insecurities with the Church, or problems with Church teachings. No, I mean actually struggling with my belief. Our little family has many blessings, but we also have many struggles. I know that's true for nearly everyone, but since we are so isolated here, I rarely talk to other people aside from James and my family. So I tend to wallow in our sufferings. I tend to let them get to me to the point that I question God's love for us, His plan for us, if there even IS a plan for us! I look at our situation, and I look at the way James and I are raising our kids, and I wonder why things are the way they are. Why are we so isolated and alone? Why are we stuck at a church where there is no one else like us? Heck, where we're almost the only family with young children? Why are we always struggling so much financially? Why is James, who is such an amazing, honest, talented, and hard-working man, stuck at this particular company? And so on. U.G.H. Complaints are exhausting for those who have to hear them, I know.
Simply put, I've been angry, and probably pretty difficult to live with. But over the past few weeks (thanks to some long conversations with family, and a few honest attempts at prayer), I don't feel as angry. I'm starting to see that I've been selfish, and self-centered. And absurd. Absurd to think that God doesn't care about us. I see Christ, on the cross, and I know what He did for me. But since I don't "feel" it, I disregard it. And that's my problem. For some reason, I've been expecting things to be easy, I guess. Or easier. But things will be easier if I just let go, and let God, as they say. I ask for grace, but I've been so angry, it's had no way of getting in.
Well, since it is a new year, I am trying to make a new start. To change myself and how I perceive our blessings and our sufferings. To love God more, and myself less. To love my family more, and myself less. And above all, to employ both faith AND action. This is the year, we have decided, when we make changes. No more waiting around to see if James gets promoted; no more sitting about wondering when things will change. We are going to make them change, by golly!
So to wrap it up, 2010 was interesting. It was a struggle, and a lesson, and a blessing. I am determined that 2011 will be first a blessing, and only sprinkled with struggles that we can handle because we have faith. Renewed faith, and lots of hope.
Happy New Year!
2010 was an interesting year. I suppose that if I were a more faithful, hopeful, optimistic person, I would say it was a good year; the kids were pretty darn healthy, James still has a job (albeit insane and frustrating), while lots of other people are unemployed, and I started up a new business that's been rather successful so far. (WARNING: Shameless plug for my Etsy shop: http://www.poshpatina.etsy.com/)
Dom is in the middle of first grade homeschool, and he's doing well. His reading is improving, he's quite adept with numbers, and of course, he can tell you about any dinosaur, monster fish, or snake that ever existed. I have learned, however, that with James's cRaZy, abnormal, anti-family schedule, I am not doing a very good job of keeping a routine. So next year, I'm going to use a Catholic curriculum that lays everything out for me, day by day. I find the task of gathering resources and books for each subject to be way too intimidating, and will feel much more relaxed about homeschooling when I know that the planning and preparation has already been done.
It's a fascinating thing, watching your oldest get older. And scary, of course, since it's your first time around. I'm perpetually surprised that Dom is almost 7. It occurred to me this morning that he's almost at the age of reason! That's a big deal, and I can see the changes in him already. He's a tremendously good and patient big brother to Elena and Alex, and they couldn't be luckier to have someone like him looking out for them.
Elena is a little diva. I'm not sure how that happened, since she's only 3 1/2 - maybe it's just her personality - but it's a little exhausting, and usually very amusing! This morning she headed out to church with her black dress, black tights, pink coat, pink sparkly sunglasses, and her little Vera Bradley purse. She was quite a sight! She's stubborn and bossy (unfortunately I know where she gets those from... ), but sweet and affectionate, outgoing and funny. She is also very pretty, and that scares the hell out of me. (I'm sure James must be terrified!) I like to look at our kids and think about what they'll look like as adults. It's so cool to me to think about when they are grown, and being surrounded by all these amazing people that James and I brought into the world and raised. That said, I think the greatest gift you can give your children is more brothers and sisters!!! Elena is pining for a little sister. She says she has one. I'm not sure about her name, but I know she is invisible and the size of a pea, because Elena always carries her around between her fingers. We tell her that hopefully that will happen, but not for a few more years...
Alex is my little sweetheart, and my little home-wrecker. As in, he wrecks our home, with delight and glee, every moment of the day. And he is usually unrepentant. It's a little scary, really, but as long we take all that wild energy and use it for the good, he should be a pretty amazing fellow! I was watching him play with his toys yesterday, and the sight of his little self, playing Hulk bashing dinosaurs, just made my heart ache. As in, my heart physically hurt. I thanked God for him, and for all our babies, because they are such miraculous blessings. Because they are so pure, and good, and reminders of what we're supposed to be, and what I am not, and haven't been trying to be.
That's mostly why I say 2010 was interesting. For me, it has been a year of struggling in my faith. Not in the sense of insecurities with the Church, or problems with Church teachings. No, I mean actually struggling with my belief. Our little family has many blessings, but we also have many struggles. I know that's true for nearly everyone, but since we are so isolated here, I rarely talk to other people aside from James and my family. So I tend to wallow in our sufferings. I tend to let them get to me to the point that I question God's love for us, His plan for us, if there even IS a plan for us! I look at our situation, and I look at the way James and I are raising our kids, and I wonder why things are the way they are. Why are we so isolated and alone? Why are we stuck at a church where there is no one else like us? Heck, where we're almost the only family with young children? Why are we always struggling so much financially? Why is James, who is such an amazing, honest, talented, and hard-working man, stuck at this particular company? And so on. U.G.H. Complaints are exhausting for those who have to hear them, I know.
Simply put, I've been angry, and probably pretty difficult to live with. But over the past few weeks (thanks to some long conversations with family, and a few honest attempts at prayer), I don't feel as angry. I'm starting to see that I've been selfish, and self-centered. And absurd. Absurd to think that God doesn't care about us. I see Christ, on the cross, and I know what He did for me. But since I don't "feel" it, I disregard it. And that's my problem. For some reason, I've been expecting things to be easy, I guess. Or easier. But things will be easier if I just let go, and let God, as they say. I ask for grace, but I've been so angry, it's had no way of getting in.
Well, since it is a new year, I am trying to make a new start. To change myself and how I perceive our blessings and our sufferings. To love God more, and myself less. To love my family more, and myself less. And above all, to employ both faith AND action. This is the year, we have decided, when we make changes. No more waiting around to see if James gets promoted; no more sitting about wondering when things will change. We are going to make them change, by golly!
So to wrap it up, 2010 was interesting. It was a struggle, and a lesson, and a blessing. I am determined that 2011 will be first a blessing, and only sprinkled with struggles that we can handle because we have faith. Renewed faith, and lots of hope.
Happy New Year!
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