2010 was an interesting year. I suppose that if I were a more faithful, hopeful, optimistic person, I would say it was a good year; the kids were pretty darn healthy, James still has a job (albeit insane and frustrating), while lots of other people are unemployed, and I started up a new business that's been rather successful so far. (WARNING: Shameless plug for my Etsy shop: http://www.poshpatina.etsy.com/)
Dom is in the middle of first grade homeschool, and he's doing well. His reading is improving, he's quite adept with numbers, and of course, he can tell you about any dinosaur, monster fish, or snake that ever existed. I have learned, however, that with James's cRaZy, abnormal, anti-family schedule, I am not doing a very good job of keeping a routine. So next year, I'm going to use a Catholic curriculum that lays everything out for me, day by day. I find the task of gathering resources and books for each subject to be way too intimidating, and will feel much more relaxed about homeschooling when I know that the planning and preparation has already been done.
It's a fascinating thing, watching your oldest get older. And scary, of course, since it's your first time around. I'm perpetually surprised that Dom is almost 7. It occurred to me this morning that he's almost at the age of reason! That's a big deal, and I can see the changes in him already. He's a tremendously good and patient big brother to Elena and Alex, and they couldn't be luckier to have someone like him looking out for them.
Elena is a little diva. I'm not sure how that happened, since she's only 3 1/2 - maybe it's just her personality - but it's a little exhausting, and usually very amusing! This morning she headed out to church with her black dress, black tights, pink coat, pink sparkly sunglasses, and her little Vera Bradley purse. She was quite a sight! She's stubborn and bossy (unfortunately I know where she gets those from... ), but sweet and affectionate, outgoing and funny. She is also very pretty, and that scares the hell out of me. (I'm sure James must be terrified!) I like to look at our kids and think about what they'll look like as adults. It's so cool to me to think about when they are grown, and being surrounded by all these amazing people that James and I brought into the world and raised. That said, I think the greatest gift you can give your children is more brothers and sisters!!! Elena is pining for a little sister. She says she has one. I'm not sure about her name, but I know she is invisible and the size of a pea, because Elena always carries her around between her fingers. We tell her that hopefully that will happen, but not for a few more years...
Alex is my little sweetheart, and my little home-wrecker. As in, he wrecks our home, with delight and glee, every moment of the day. And he is usually unrepentant. It's a little scary, really, but as long we take all that wild energy and use it for the good, he should be a pretty amazing fellow! I was watching him play with his toys yesterday, and the sight of his little self, playing Hulk bashing dinosaurs, just made my heart ache. As in, my heart physically hurt. I thanked God for him, and for all our babies, because they are such miraculous blessings. Because they are so pure, and good, and reminders of what we're supposed to be, and what I am not, and haven't been trying to be.
That's mostly why I say 2010 was interesting. For me, it has been a year of struggling in my faith. Not in the sense of insecurities with the Church, or problems with Church teachings. No, I mean actually struggling with my belief. Our little family has many blessings, but we also have many struggles. I know that's true for nearly everyone, but since we are so isolated here, I rarely talk to other people aside from James and my family. So I tend to wallow in our sufferings. I tend to let them get to me to the point that I question God's love for us, His plan for us, if there even IS a plan for us! I look at our situation, and I look at the way James and I are raising our kids, and I wonder why things are the way they are. Why are we so isolated and alone? Why are we stuck at a church where there is no one else like us? Heck, where we're almost the only family with young children? Why are we always struggling so much financially? Why is James, who is such an amazing, honest, talented, and hard-working man, stuck at this particular company? And so on. U.G.H. Complaints are exhausting for those who have to hear them, I know.
Simply put, I've been angry, and probably pretty difficult to live with. But over the past few weeks (thanks to some long conversations with family, and a few honest attempts at prayer), I don't feel as angry. I'm starting to see that I've been selfish, and self-centered. And absurd. Absurd to think that God doesn't care about us. I see Christ, on the cross, and I know what He did for me. But since I don't "feel" it, I disregard it. And that's my problem. For some reason, I've been expecting things to be easy, I guess. Or easier. But things will be easier if I just let go, and let God, as they say. I ask for grace, but I've been so angry, it's had no way of getting in.
Well, since it is a new year, I am trying to make a new start. To change myself and how I perceive our blessings and our sufferings. To love God more, and myself less. To love my family more, and myself less. And above all, to employ both faith AND action. This is the year, we have decided, when we make changes. No more waiting around to see if James gets promoted; no more sitting about wondering when things will change. We are going to make them change, by golly!
So to wrap it up, 2010 was interesting. It was a struggle, and a lesson, and a blessing. I am determined that 2011 will be first a blessing, and only sprinkled with struggles that we can handle because we have faith. Renewed faith, and lots of hope.
Happy New Year!
